Family

Newly Divorced and Single Mom You Are Going To Make It

I know right now it seems like the world is closing in. There are so many things to figure out. Maybe you’re not quite sure how you even feel yet. And that is ok. You’re going to get there. I know you will. You know how I know? I use to be you.

Suddenly I found my self divorced with two little babies, just 2 and 5. What was I going to do? How would I provide for us? How was i gling to afford a home for my family? How would I be able to give my children a life they deserved? How could I possibly do all of this on my own? And on top of that I had feelings of anger, hatred, bitterness and any other negative emotion you can imagine. I can’t do this, I thought to myself.

Here’s the thing that we don’t realize at the time because we are so full of emotion, a mother will always find a way to provide for her children. Because the one thing that trumps everything you are feeling and thinking is your children. Our instincts kick in. We do what we have to do to survive and provide.

Some situations are better than others. In mine, my children’s father was very involved in their lives. We had shared custody and he never missed any time with his children. We might have hated each other and wanted to kill each other at the time, but oh how we loved our children. If nothing else, that will be the one thing to keep you going throughout these next few difficult months. But you will get through it. I know without a doubt you will because you are a survivor. You can do this.

Emotions can really cloud our thoughts and judgement when we go through things. We almost always look back and say I should have done this or I shouldn’t have done that. So I want to help you. Shed some light and give you a head start on the rest of your life. In all the fighting, yelling, and crying remember this #1 thing, the children come first in every way no matter how you feel. Here are a few important things to remember.

No bashing each other in Front of the children or allow any family or friends to do so either. This one is especially important. The two people they love the most they see tearing each other apart with their words and actions. That is something that could really scar a child for life. They feel guilty for being with one parent when the other is upset and vice versa. The bashing is not fair to the children. They should be able to make their own opinion about their father or mother based on how they are treated. Not what they are told or how you feel about that person.

This next one I see so often it may be the number one thing that many women do that is absolutely wrong. Do not keep children from their other parent because you are upset or they don’t do what you want. 

No matter what happens, or how much you hate each other and fight. DO NOT use the children as a tool to get what you want. You get angry at the father and decide to keep the children from him to punish him. Please, please don’t go that! Because guess who suffers the most – the children. That is their parent whom they love and adore and can’t wait to see. By that parent being kept away the child is getting more and more hurt.

Keep the arguments away from the children’s ears. Argue when they are not around or walk out of the room. This makes them feel like they have to choose sides and that is not right.

This next one happens all too often. Don’t question the children when they come home about what is happening at the other parent’s house. This will open doors for things to go badly in so many ways and none are good for the children. Any number of things could come from questioning the children. Maybe Dad took them somewhere too extravagant and you don’t like it – argument. Maybe Dad introduced them to a friend – argument. Maybe Dad let them stay up all night, watch movies and eat candy and cake until their bellies hurt – argument.

We have this saying in our homes, “what goes on at Mama’s house, stays at Mama’s house” and “what goes on at Daddy’s house stays at Daddy’s house.” Of course there are exceptions that the children are very aware of like if they are being hurt, then it is Right for them to and important for them to tell.

Taking care of the important parts making sure the children are taken care of physically, mentally and emotionally is half the battle. That is half the stress gone. The other part is taking care of you. If you don’t take care of you, you won’t be able to take care of the children and they need you.

Making sure you are taking care of you can be a little more difficult. At least it was for me. Really what it comes down to and I know you don’t want to hear this, is time. Time to heal. If your time healing means medications from doctors or therapy or support groups, then do that. Do whatever will help you get past this. Because what most people don’t understand or realize is after divorce you are grieving just like a death. Death of your family as a whole unit. Death of your hopes and dreams for the future of this family. Take the time you need. Use what resources you have. If there’s one thing I can take away from my mistakes (and I made plenty of them) is this: don’t try to numb the pain, self medicate, or bury feelings because I promise you one day they will come crashing down and it will be ten times harder than if you had handled it from the beginning.

When you get all these things taken care of you have won the war. Everything else is minor. All those questions you had at the beginning, now you are thinking about them with a clear head. Now you will see, you got this! It will be hard almost seem impossible at times but remember what I told you earlier. You are a survivor. You will do what it takes. You might have to work extra hard, or lean in family members. But that’s ok. You are doing it and you are doing it all for your children. So it’s worth it!

After you do everything that is necessary and make the sacrifices for your children. That happiness you feel. That peace you feel. You deserve it! You are worth it!

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55 thoughts on “Newly Divorced and Single Mom You Are Going To Make It”

  1. Hello, welcome to my blog and thank you for the follow and I returned your favour. Divorce – hmm, some find it difficult some just go easy with it. I divorced some 15 years ago and since then I never looked back. I grew up my little person alone until she graduated from University. Life has been great single and doing everything on my own. It is good to be free in the end.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Mine was 6 years ago. It took me a little while to adjust and believe in myself. Ever since it has been me and my 2 boys and we are just fine on our own. It was the best thing to ever happen to me.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I am glad you found out that it was the best thing that ever happened to you. You will make it far and you will do better. And your children will look after you so well when they grow older, they are your pillars for the future. I wish you good luck and just enjoy yourself and be happy since the chance for happiness is right with you. Take care now.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You share some good advice C.E. – I hope some single parents take it to heart. My brother and
    I were raised was raised by a single mom (German immigrant) We received government assistance until my mom was finally able to get a full time job while we were in our teens. She had a few odd boyfriends but never remarried – more happy with her cats and when she was 75 yrs old got a Siberian Husky (Teddy) – She passed away a couple years ago at age 90 and Teddy died within a couple weeks as well. Thankfully my wife and I have been married 35 yrs with 5 grown kids and 3 young grandchildren. I credit this to my wife’s stubborn, gentle spirit and prayers and our determination to overcome our past family issues. However, a big factor was and continues to be relying on God’s grace to keep the love flowing. I have a saying that helps keep me calm whenever I think one of our family had done or said something I disagree with – “It’s all about relationships” – Will my sarcastic response strengthen or weaken my relationship with this person? So, anyway, I usually don’t write a whole lot – but your theme interested me. Thanks for following my photography blog – usually a photo each day with a brief simple caption.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I always say I was born in the wrong decade. I have an old spirit with old values. My dad is a retired minister so i was raised differently than most people my age. Which may be why divorce was so hard at first. I didn’t even know anyone divorced. Now I can understand your mom not remarrying or dating much. I think I have had my fill. I’m not even interested in dating. Everyone seems to come to me for advice. I guess I have a good listening ear. I can give others advice but I can’t quite seem to take my own advice. Whatever God’s plan is for me I’m ready to go with the flow. His will. I’m only waiting for his plan to be revealed.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I love your attitude! Figgering out God’s plan is a tricky thing – I think it is usually done step by step, one day at a time. I would call it “Active Waiting” which means we need to still take some initiative and chances, risking failure and pain for the greater hope of joy and loving relationships. My wife and I am became Christians a couple years after we were married – around age 28. We came to Christ in different ways and for different reasons. C.S.Lewis was a big influence for me. I had always been interested in the meaning of life and death – which took me on various paths via the study of Astrology and Reincarnation and New Age beliefs – but Jesus claim to be the Way, the Truth, and the Life challenged me to determine its validity. After 2 years I finally yielded to God. May you and your blog be an encouragement to many! How old are your kids now?

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  3. I agree. I have full custody but never kept my son from his father. Now at the age of 12, he doesn’t want to see him but I told him until he’s an adult, he has to see his father whenever his father decides to show up. I would love to say something about the situation he lives in but keep my mouth shut! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is great advice! When my ex-husband and I divorced, we determined that we would never speak poorly of one another, and that we would always be cordial in our interactions with one another, to do what was best for our son. Since he has become an adult, he’s often mentioned how much he appreciated his Dad’s and my relationship post-divorce. It gave him a chance to just be a kid and not have to worry about all the turmoil that goes on when parents use their kids as “ammunition” against each other.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Good afternoon my friend! And thank you for following my blog. (I will definitely return the favor). I just wanted to say that the advice you have given here is powerful. Especially the idea that even though a mother and father may dislike each other, they should NEVER use their children as avenues to attack one another. I am a witness to the fact that children can bring a level of peace in your life that is more powerful than any situation you can encounter! I do pray and hope that you continue doing what you have to do to provide for your children. Be blessed lady.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If only divorce could be handled in the ways you suggest. All too often the kids lose out. If you have the time it would be great for you to be involved as a volunteer, or professionally – fighting for children to see both parents and be shared all the acrimony which all too often sets in. Well done. Keep up the good work.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. All the best, I know one family going through so much hurt and angst at the moment – every member of the family unit suffers, and the wider family too. the bitterness, hurt and hate help no-one.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Your kids are lucky .not all divorced parents are clever and only few don’t use the kids against the other half.I was lucky with my mom ,same way your kids are and sometime I m nearly sad for my girls who will never experience the bond between a divorced mother and her kids.it is hard but it also lives you strong and with nice unique memories .

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Hi and thanks for the follow. Your post about being divorced with young children is very encouraging and full of great advice. Only wishing you all the best on your journey.

    Like

  9. Being a single parent is never easy, but it seems you have a healthy attitude regarding your ex-husband. Remember to always make time for yourself too, even if it’s only 10 minutes alone in the shower. If you don’t care for yourself first, you can’t care for your children. I wish you all the best on your life’s journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thank-you very much for visiting my blog and for the follow.
    My first husband left when my elder daughter was 13 weeks old. I insisted that he visit regularly, though he didn’t want to at the time, and I encouraged his parents to visit too. After seven years caring for my daughter on my own I met my second husband (my one and only date after my first marriage ended) and we have been together ever since. We have a daughter who is 20 now and eleven and a half years younger than my elder daughter, who is 32. My elder daughter has continued to see her father and his family and I keep in touch with them too. My (now) husband has no children from his first marriage.
    I was very happy during those years before I met my second husband – I loved being able to organise our home life to suit our needs. This wasn’t so easy to do when I remarried especially as my husband had never had a child to care for and had always run his home to suit himself. We all had to make compromises!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Fortunately I have had never had to go through the ordeal of a divorce either as a child or in my marriage myself. My marriage has had some very rough patches that we have had to work through, and am very fortunate my wife and I are still together after 29 years. As a child I have had the experience of a single parent home when my dad died. I have heard in some instances the adjustment from a divorce can be harder on a child. It all depends on the parents in how they respond after the divorce.

    I admire you so much for how well you have approached this with your children’s best interests. Your suggestions are excellent. And taking care of your own emotional needs is so important.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. You’ve done a great and wonderful job here. Bless you and the kids and even the absent Dad. Sorry for the delay in follow. Your follow got away from me, some of them do.

    Like

  13. Loved your post. I have the problem that when the kids go over her house, they can stand her new boyfriend, which causes conflict between us. They want to stay with me. How can I possibly make them like this new person in their lives (16 and 14 boys)???

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have a similar situation with my boys and their dad. My boys are now 13 and 10. They want so much for their dad to act right and be a part of their lives that they tolerate that person if only for a day or 2 at the time. I do my best to find good things to say about that person to try and help (even if I don’t believe those things myself). Also we have shared custody but we never have the children stay one week here and another week there. We break it up. My kids go to church on Wednesdays so usually they will go with him that night, come back to me for the next couple days and then stay with him on the weekends when he is off.it seems easier for them to tolerate that person in little bits of broken up time. Plus he works nights so they would rather be with me. And I’m flexible. He doesn’t have to get them every weekend if he doesn’t want to. He has 4 kids in his house and I know things come up and alone time is probably hard to get. So if he wants me to keep them one day or more of the weekend I don’t mind. He also is flexible like that too so it works out. And it’s good to have that set schedule because my kids know exactly where they are going each day.

      As far as making them like him … I just had this exact conversation with their dad. I told him simply ” this is your choice not theirs. They are made to be a part of this. They didn’t ask for it. If they don’t like her that’s their choice. You can’t force him (my oldest son) like her anymore than you can force her to like me.” ( you know the gf hates the ex wife thing)
      All we can do is try to be as positive as we can to try and make it as easy as possible for kids.

      It’s much easier to help a hurting child than a completely screwed up adult.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Great post and really great to read from the perspective of a seperated divorced dad. Really do agree that if you put the babies first then everything else will work out in time . Nothing worse than seeing babies in the middle of an emotional struggle that isn’t theirs

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  15. Great advice, I’m not divorced but I sometimes worry about being left all alone to raise our son. My husband has a lot of health problems and you are right if it happens then I will find a way to provide.

    Like

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